“We have consistently seen family acceptance as one of, if not the most important factor in helping queer youth stay safe from suicide.” says Dr. Lucas Zullo. Dr. Zullo is the Clinical and Fellowship Director at the David Farber Advancement of Suicide Prevention Intervention, Research, and Education (ASPIRE) Center. Which is a suicide prevention specialty center in Philadelphia.
Dr. Zullo has seen first-hand how impactful family support and involvement is for queer youth and he was generous enough to let us pick his brain about how you can be your child’s best ally. He really wants to drill home the point that family acceptance cannot be taken lightly. It is so important for a child to know that they have the support they need to navigate this world that is already incredibly challenging. Below are his life-saving tips for your LGBTQ+ child.
1. Set the Family Tone
Even if none of your children express to you that they are a member of the LGBTQ+ community – that does not mean this topic isn’t for you. You never know if your child, your niece, nephew, or your children’s friends are, and you just haven’t been told yet. It is so important that early on the tone of acceptance is felt throughout your household.
“Representation matters. Who are your family friends and how do you talk about them? Do you say things like ‘normal family’ when talking about someone? Or do you say things like ‘two moms’ and ‘two dads’ when you describe different types of families? Normalize everyday conversations about what a family means, and what it can look like. Make sure that you are giving your children exposure to diverse family makeups and always speak respectfully about them.” said Dr. Zullo.
2. React with Love if Your Child Comes Out to You
If your child does come out to you, it can be hard for some parents to know what to say in that moment. Dr. Zullo recommends a gracious and loving approach. “You can’t go wrong with saying that you love your child. Tell them that there is nothing wrong about what they told you and it doesn’t change how they are loved by you at all. Ask them how they want to be supported and thank them for telling you about this part of themselves.”
When asked if the parent should then go and do their own research about what their child told them, Dr. Zullo said; “I think if parents feel that they want to know more - by all means go and research. However, I like to have a humble approach. Ask your child if there is anything you can do differently or better to support them. Ask them if they want to teach you anything.”
3. Understand Your Role
Dr. Zullo cannot emphasize enough how important your role is in keeping your child happy, healthy, and alive. “I want to note that we’ve seen so much research that shows family acceptance can be the piece that helps people to come out of a really dark place. I have done qualitative work working with queer youth who have lived experiences of suicidality. They identified that having a supportive caregiver or adult who validates their experience and identity can be lifesaving.”
When it comes to tangible things that you can do to show your child support, Dr. Zullo shared; “Celebrating Pride Month can be important for queer youth – how can you do this as a family? What are some local resources that you have access to? One approach is to try and have a more hands on approach in general when it comes to daily events that affect your child. For example, when you see something on the news related to LGBTQ+ current events, check in with your child. Tell them that you saw the latest ruling on XYZ and you want to know how to best support them.”
4. Own The Challenges They Will Face
Speaking of news that may be upsetting and scary for your child, Dr. Zullo wanted to express the importance of being upfront with your child about the world we live in. “We do know that unfortunately queer youth are disproportionately affected by rates of mental health challenges and difficulties, especially suicide. This is at a significantly different rate than their cis gender and heterosexual peers. We know this is because of factors such as minority stress. We know this is because of the culture of our society and the culture of our current politics that is inherently invalidating to queer youth.
So when a queer youth is just going through life, they are receiving different messages about their identity. These messages are frequently questioning them, attacking them, telling them horrible things about themselves - that is going to have an adverse effect on their mental health. We want to provide support to help them navigate that, and protect them from that, and provide a buffer for them.
You can own that our society is still working towards equality and representation. Be sure to tell your child that you are there to support them if they ever meet someone who is homophobic or transphobic. When they meet those people, it’s important for your child to know that you are on their team, and have their back. Talk to them about what to do in those instances because you are there for them and you can navigate it together. Own the fact that homophobia and transphobia exist and ask what you can do to equip your child and support them when they run into it.”, shared Dr. Zullo.
5. Get Your Child Connected to Resources
If your child is struggling with their mental health, it is so important that you take it seriously, and get them the support they need. “I would say one of the biggest pieces you want to look for when finding a provider for your child is making sure that they are able to provide affirming and evidence-based care.
As I am sure that everyone realizes, conversion therapy is horrifyingly still out there. So, please make sure that the provider you pick has the skillset needed to provide affirming and evidence-based care. Make sure that working with queer youth is something they feel comfortable doing and navigating relevant stressors in an evidence-based way. I also want to make sure that parents feel supported in how to look for these services. I suggest looking on websites for this specific language or making a phone call ahead of time so you're not having an unfortunate surprise on day one when a provider is not equipped to provide the care you need."
If you are unsure what affirming care means, Dr. Zullo defines it as – “It recognizes that someone’s sexual or gender identity is in no way a pathology to be corrected. Instead, it is something that can be leveraged and built upon as a strength in therapy in ways where we can have this be a part of your identity that we have pride in and can celebrate together.”
6. Learn more about if the ASPIRE Center could be a resource for your child.
“I have seen so many people look for help and share having thoughts of suicide but then the provider ends up calling 911 and sends them to the Emergency Room. I see something like that as being our very our last resort. As Clinical Director of the ASPIRE Center, I want to create a space where when you walk through our doors, you know this is a suicide prevention center where providers understand the different levels of risk associated with having thoughts of suicide. The last thing we want to do is send you to the hospital. We want you to feel normal and affirmed that some people have thoughts of suicide and that is what we are here for. I don’t want someone who walks into our clinic to feel like what they say is going to scare me or that we aren’t equipped to support them when they’re struggling.”
“The ASPIRE Center takes a family focused approach to care, and we do evidence-based trauma-informed work. We really focus on care through an equity lens and through community partnership. We have a wide range of insurances that we accept and if we don't accept your insurance, we offer sliding scales options down to pro bono services. It’s very important to us that we can provide equitable access to care.
Additionally, we recognize that suicide prevention is not just doing therapy once a week, it's also elements like ensuring access to housing and food. We realize there are factors at play in addition to depression, such as having to navigate a racist environment or navigating homophobia, transphobia, and sexism. Those pieces are also part of our scope of suicide prevention.
We offer a range of services. Individual therapy, family therapy, DBT skills group. One service that sets us apart is that we offer 7 days a week phone coaching. After a family starts care with us, they have access to me 7 days a week from 8 am - 10 pm. I'm able to hop on the phone and help them navigate a crisis that may come up so they don’t need to make a trip to the Emergency Room between sessions. Once you start care at the ASPIRE Center, we're on the same team and I am advocating for you and supporting you 7 days a week.”
There is no question about it – the ASPIRE Center is a lifesaving and incredible resource, and I didn’t even have room for all the incredible services they are able to offer.
If you are in the Philadelphia area and your child has experienced suicidal ideation, non-suicidal self-injury, or a past suicide attempt click here to learn more about working with the ASPIRE Center today.
If you’re not eligible to work with the ASPIRE Center – do not worry! Our Family Support Partners (FSPs) are just a call away and our FREE and CONFIDENTIAL peer support service can help you figure out the best next step to getting your child the support they need.
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